Taking this post seriously may result in:

Anger, elevated blood pressure, eye strain, carpal tunnel syndrome, premature baldness, sexual impotence, nervous twitches, excessive ear hair growth, anal seepage, osteoperosis, runny nose, stuffed-up nose, couging, sneezing, itching, vomiting, projectile vomiting, constipation AND diarrhea, wrinkled skin, radiation poisioning, hang nails, jock itch, romantic interest in sharp objects, and, above all else, that one medical condition you fear more than anything. I don't know what that might be, but trust me, you'll get it.

I have a theory...

Everyone on the Internet HATES everyone else on the Internet.

I imagine that, if anyone ever actually read any of my posts, there would, as a result, be a gigantic "DUH!" resounding around the world so loudly I could even hear it with my head encased in concrete. I don't plan on testing that part of the theory, if only because I detest skin-tight clothing.

Then, there's also the whole breathing issue.

The "duh" factor comes from the all-too-well-known existence of "spammers," "trolls," and "flamers." You probably have seen the markings of such life-forms while browsing the web. You might know one or two personally. There's an extremely good chance you are one. These creatures seem to convert negative feelings, in themselves and in others, into life energy, much akin to the process by which plants make their food with sunlight (it's called photosynthesis, though you probably already knew that. At least, I hope you did. If not, then there's even less hope than I thought.)

I suppose that means these people are, in a sense, vegetables. Surprise, surprise.

By the way, even though this mutual hatred is obvious to anyone who knows someone who might have an idea about what the Internet is, I still only consider it a theory because we just take for granted that it's true. It's like gravity. They used to say: "Things fall. Do we really need a name for it?" Then Newton decided to dig a bit deeper.

A good local example is any one of the various crews, squads, etc. here on Newgrounds. Their main aim seems to be making terrible flashes, and then getting them passed through the blind loyalty of their own members. Once again, you knew this already. As far as I can see, this process serves no purpose other than eating up memory and annoying everyone else. The only logical reason for them to do this is because they enjoy it for some reason. They derive pleasure from others' dissatisfaction.

In other words: THEY HATE YOU. Why do they hate you? They've never met you. You may have never said two words to any of them, and yet, they hate you.

Now, before someone tries to harpoon me, figuratively or otherwise, I would like to say that not everything made by such groups is bad. A flash should be graded on its own merits, not its author's pedigree. I'm just noting what seems to be an unfortunate trend.

Another good example, I feel, is the group commonly referred to as "furries." This title can mean anything to you. It could mean perverts who like dressing up and doing very unpleasant things to and with each other. It could mean people who like to imagine what things would be like if some other species was the dominant lifeform on the planet. It could just mean people who like stuff like Looney Tunes and Camp Lazlo. It could mean that one guy I saw on TV who got his entire face tatooed like a tiger and had a bunch of metal studs put in his skin so he could attach plastic "whiskers" to them. Seriously, from what I can tell, the classification relies almost entirely on connotation. And then there seem to be groups who consider bestiality to be the same thing as being "furry." I could go on, but I've only got 30,000 characters left for this post.

Naturally, most of the people who think "furries" are pervets hate them. They've never met or talked to most of them, but they hate them purely on principal. Similarly, most of the people who call themselves "furries" consider the people that hate them to be uninformed jackasses. This is, of course, a generalization. There are many people on both sides who couldn't care less about the other side's opinion if they tried. I think the argument goes something like this: "I don't care what they think because they're all just angry nuts who can't be bothered to take two seconds to look up information on the subject, because it's obvious that they're just making judgments bases on unfair media generalizations that don't even remotely depict what blah blah blah blah BLAH BLABBIDY-BLAH!" That translates roughly to: "I hate you, so I'll just pretend you don't exist."

At this point, I'd like to make it clear that I neither support nor attack either side. The reasoning behind this policy is simple: If I'm lucky, everyone will just ignore me. If not, then I don't have to worry about allies and enemies; I can just blast anyone who's coming my way with a pitchfork and an angry look on his/her face. Much easier. Safer, too, if I have the foresight to bring a long-range tranquilizer gun.

I could go on with infinite other examples, such as homosexuallity, racism, sexism, Pro-war, Anti-War, Pro-Life, Pro-Choice, webcomics, newspaper comics, DC and Marvel comics, Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter by itself, anime, manga, pseudo-anime, pseudo-manga, dogs, frogs, cats, rats, ferrets, parrots, movies, TV, books, DVD, Emo, Hair-Gro, Slowbro, fairy tales, snips and snails, left wing, right wing, left-handed, right-handed, under-handed, rhyme, crime, and now I'm just wasting time.

Personally, I don't think there is a right answer to any of this. If one group from any of these situations was right and the other was wrong, they would either have proved it or learned to ignore the incorrect group. So, either both groups are right, or both groups are wrong. Depending on how you look at it, there's really no difference. I see situations like these as more of a sphere than a two-sided coin; infinite points of view instead of just plain "right" and "wrong."

You may have noticed that I seem to have lost my train of thought somewhere in all of this. I'm not going to try to find it again because, quite frankly, I've lost my interest along with it. I suppose the upshot of all of this is as follows:

Everyone on the Internet hates you because you're not them, and you feel the same way towards everyone on the Internet.

Finally, a joke to lighten the mood.

At least there would be, but I can't think of one now.

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I'm done here. Go watch something funny.